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A big driver of my addictions centered in taking myself too damn seriously. I thought my opinions and perspectives were the law. It made me arrogant, judgemental, and close minded. If you disagreed with me, you were an idiot, of course.

My party days of laughter and joking were long gone after ten years of alcoholism. I was isolated, serious about world affairs, and on a dark path of regular substance abuse.

As my drinking and weed smoking progressed to every day, I began to dip in and out of psychosis over the years. I would study conspiracies and form a different belief system every few days.

My outlook of the world became very dark based on my seriousness. The things I believed were gravely important. Why couldn’t everybody see that?! Well, because they were only true in my deteriorating mind.

Lightening up again in Recovery

Let’s just say I was not full of laughter and joy when I crawled into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was trapped in the seriousness of my misery, paranoia, anxieties, and anger.

It took a few months of going to two meetings a day and working through my step work before I began seeing my sorry state objectively. My insanity was the driver of my seriousness and it was not real.

Realizing that I had an allergy of craving and a disorder of the mind allowed me to detach from my identity as a proud, drunken pothead. I saw myself as sick, not a crappy person. I stepped on a new path towards joy and relief from my desperate state.

The door to laughter began to reopen in my life. I began to laugh at my behavior in addiction, as do many in recovery. My new identity started to shift towards spiritual, helpful, and lighthearted.

Healing by Laughing at Myself

In the medical field we would make dark jokes, be sarcastic, and ridicule each other at work. The job and environment was often intensely stressful and depressing, so we used laughter to lighten the mood.

I am re-applying that tool to my life again as I progress in years of sobriety. I can look back at all my stupid conspiracies and resentments, talk about them, and laugh at how dumb and pointless they were.

I don’t have to be right about everything and correct people anymore. I accept that I am clueless on many things throughout the day. I keep my mind off what is none of my business. All of this clears my mind and calms me down.

When resentment or anger pops up, I am able to get outside of myself and see where I am being ridiculous. Now what are my lame assumptions that don’t make sense? Now how am I overreacting like a teenager? What idiots have I been listening to recently?

Looking back with laughter at my time trapped in addiction gives me the ability to forgive myself too. For veterans, self forgiveness is a huge hurdle. We are fuckin hard on ourselves! We were taught to be that way. It can keep driving our self abuse and escape into our substances.

So, get into recovery meetings if you aren’t already and learn to laugh at yourself again (as opposed to laughing at others). It can keep you away from hospitals or jails and dying a miserable death. Enlighten up a bit!

I’ve learned in my few years as a sober veteran that we face unique obstacles to admitting we have a problem. I had mental blocks which allowed alcohol to nearly kill me and weed to drive me insane.

Sure, most active alcoholics and addicts are in denial, but this post is about the factors that push veterans away from accepting their dilemma.

Being and Feeling Alone

For one, my isolation after getting out was so complete that nobody was around to see me destroying myself! I would go weeks or sometimes months of hardly talking to anyone, except at a bar or brewery.

I lived alone, worked from home, was barely dating, and most of my military friends had moved on. I was in my own little world, with only alcohol, weed and Youtube for companions. What a shitty way to be! No wonder I lost my mind at times.

Toughing it Out

In the military I was taught to tough things out, put on a strong front, and push through to accomplish what I was asked. This way of being extended to the civilian world and made me blind to my substance problems. For many years, I would have judged myself as appearing weak if I admitted to a drinking or weed problem.

I was actually proud of my shitty hangover mornings where I would have a couple drinks or hit the bong to feel better and start the day.

My mantra was, “I’m fine. It’s no big deal”. But, I was fucking far from alright. My drinking and weed use was spiraling out of control while I kept telling myself I could handle it. The substances were part of who I was. I was a drunken pothead veteran, so what?

Shoving Down Emotions and Memories

Like many veterans, I am a stuffer of feelings. It was how I was brought up (by a veteran dad). Of course, this was reinforced in the military. When I began heavy drinking during active duty, I thought it was just a fun thing that everybody did.

But looking back through sober eyes gives me a truthful perspective. In reality, I was drowning my feelings and chasing the euphoria of my early drunk years.

I worked in the medical field, which was often stressful and depressing. Drinking to numb and escape was an early pattern that only became stronger as the years passed by.

After two tours to Iraq (one with a lot of death and carnage in a field hospital) and then quickly getting out, this pattern of emotion avoidance was deeply entrenched in me. It drove me to drink and smoke weed almost every day for another ten years until I was completely broken and desperate.

Ending your Denial and Getting Help

At the base of these issues was the fact that I was not being honest with myself. I was incapable of that. The way I was and my addictions made it impossible for me to look at myself objectively.

So for you, step back and look for clues in your life. You are capable of ending the lies you tell yourself right now. Are drinking, drugs, or other addictions affecting you in negative ways? Is your denial leading you to blame your difficulties on other people or things? You can find that honesty right now.

Getting into recovery, going to a lot of AA meetings, and keeping up with my 12 step work has allowed me to view my own truth. I was insane, broken, and getting more sick from drinking and smoking weed all the time. At the end I was pretty close to dying, I believe.

So if you are reading this and have even a whisper in your mind that you should quit doing what you are doing, then go check out some recovery meetings. Google “AA meetings near me”. You can find tons of recovery content online too. There are always meetings on Zoom 24/7 and talks on Youtube to dip your toes in.

Listen for the similarities of people that are sharing their stories. You can sit in the back of in-person meetings and just say, “pass” if you don’t want to speak.

Getting sober and staying in recovery were the best things I have ever done for myself. They were also the bravest. I would be dead, homeless, insane, or in jail without recovery. You can step on a new path of sobriety today.

Just admit that maybe, possibly, there might be a chance that you have a substance problem. It can possess anyone from any walk of life. It doesn’t mean you are weak. You just have the allergy of craving and mind of denial like I did.

You are not alone. Come join us in sobriety and recovery!