Many veterans that overdo their drinking or drugging are constantly stuffing their feelings and struggles down. Keeping our issues hidden below the surface rots us from the inside. This behavior grows from many roots.
For one, we thought we needed to put on a strong front for our fellow military members. Maybe we assumed it would interfere with being effective or completing a mission, which was probably true at the time.
We saw that negative emotions and complaining could be contagious in many situations. We didn’t want to be the cause of shitty morale. When I was enlisted, I saw people’s complaining as a burden or from somebody trying to get out of doing something. I was judgemental of them, which was pointed back inward at myself.
As a result, shoving down my feelings and problems became a habit. It was my main default. I often didn’t realize I was doing it. It was just “how I was”. For me, drinking became an aid to the stuffing, a tool of numbing. After I got out and added weed to the mix, I learned I could completely forget the inner negativities of my mind.
Alcohol and drugs are actually not our main problems. As we continue on the abuse path, we use them to cover up our pains and feelings. When we started, they brought relief and positive feelings. Then our tolerances grew as our bodies needed more for the same effect. We chased that buzz and relaxation. In a weird twist, tolerance became a badge of honor since drinking was also a competition, obviously.
At a certain point, the numbing effect of drinking or drugging doesn’t work any longer. We get nearly zero relief and all of the pain. That’s a really shitty place to be. We start getting into trouble, having difficulties in our lives, and feeling crappy more often. Our health and our minds continue to decline.
The worst part about that stage is we still have the compulsion to do it! That is where the real hell exists. I don’t believe in the fire and brimstone kind of hell. But, I know I visited some type of hell in my mind and nightmares for a long time. I had my own room there! This stemmed from avoiding difficult thoughts and feelings over the long haul.
I feel that everything I shoved down and avoided came out at night, demanding to be seen. The horrific dreams and terrible sleep improved when I got sober and started discussing my thoughts with others. Writing about the things on my mind was also the seed that started growing into this book. So find somebody you trust (preferably in recovery) and start freeing your thoughts and feelings today.
Principle of Honesty
A big part of recovering from alcohol or drugs is honesty. You have probably been lying to yourself for many years. But your life depends on facing your inner truths right here, right now. Step outside yourself and take an objective look at your drinking or drug using while examining the things you are avoiding.
Self Study Questions
What thoughts or feelings are you keeping to yourself?
What thoughts or feelings are you burying with alcohol and / or drugs?
What are recurring nightmares or dreams you have? What do you think your subconscious is telling you through them?
Are you drinking or drugging to sleep better? How is that working?
Are you drinking or using drugs to feel less depressed / anxious / paranoid, etc? Is it working? Is it getting worse?
Do you feel trapped in repetitive thoughts about the past? What patterns and feelings are related to them?
Do you feel that letting go of the past is somehow disrespectful / dishonoring / neglectful of people that you served with? Why and how?
Do you believe your dead loved ones and friends want you to be sober and free or trapped in addiction?
Do you think the dead want you using them as excuses to drink or use drugs? Or, do you think they want you sober, healing, and helping others?