I started into heavy drinking in the barracks. We were all far from home, nobody had cars, and we had some extra money on our paydays. Almost everybody was going out to party or getting wasted in their room, so I joined in. It made me feel cool and part of the gang. I was 20, so I was sneaking around finding ways to get drunk without getting in trouble.
I only hung out with the biggest drinkers, many of them college dropouts, like me! I don’t know if I would call them friends, but they were my drinking buddies then. The only things we had in common were alcohol, jokes, and bullshit.
My drinking was always different from those around me. Most times, I could not control the amount I drank. I caved in to peer pressure trying to keep up and never saying no to a shot. But being a smaller person, I would get super sloppy, act out of control, and fall down. Blackouts were a common occurrence, where I would go into zombie mode.
For the first few years it was fun to go out, get wasted, and be ridiculous with a big crew. We said the worst things we could, got into semi-serious brawls, and did stunts we saw on the Jackass movies. We would take turns being the most wasted one for the night. Big surprise, it was usually me.
I felt like I belonged and really loved the chaos of large bars, concerts, restaurants, and any other gathering where everybody was drinking. I told the worst jokes I could think of and generally acted like a sociopath. Many times, I would wander away from the bar or party late in the night. I often came to walking around town at two or three in the morning, feeling like I was searching for something. I know now I was seeking another drink.
In other words, I was always an abnormal binge drinker. Inevitably, my tolerance grew and my drinking progressed to having a few on the weeknights. I carried on my insane drinking throughout my first enlistment and into my second, up until my first tour to Iraq. I never considered I had a problem. It was just how I drank.
Self Study Questions
Why did you sign up for the military? List the reasons.
Did your service align with your expectations before you joined? Why or why not?
What happened in the military that you didn’t expect?
Who did you help in the military?
How did you act in the military that went against your beliefs or morals?
What things did you do that were against your beliefs or morals? How did you feel about it at the time? How do you feel about it now? Does it make you judge yourself?
What were the toughest parts of your military career? How did they make you feel directly after, one week, one month, and one year after? How do you feel about them now?