I was a hardcore isolationist after getting out. I could go weeks at a time without having a full conversation with anybody. Sure, there was a little bit of small talk at bars. But, I was usually sitting alone in the corner writing unhinged rants about conspiracies and made up science in a notebook. That’s actually how my writing began, so I guess a little good came from it! There’s always a silver lining.
There were many drivers of me wanting to be alone. I would share my paranoid truths with strangers, so my conversations would turn south quickly. After a heap of negative reactions over time, I became uneasy about talking with people. Yep, I was one of those weirdos.
I had a deep resentment for the civilian world too. They were continuing their lives without ackowledging us veterans. It was a strange bubble to be in when going on deployments and then all of a sudden being back home. How dare they continue living their lives without caring what we were doing!
My misery and insanity from drinking and smoking pot all the time continued to grow. I felt I could handle it. Also, I didn’t want to burden anybody with the truth about my suffering. So I kept it all inside.
I learned to build websites and make money from them after I got out. I guess I was so sick of moronic higher enlisted bosses that I was desperate to work for myself. I guess I was “working remotely” in the early 2010s before it was cool of course.
All of these factors had me spending the majority of my time alone. Nobody was around to see my deterioration or suggest that I get some help. The biggest source of my decline, though, was not speaking deeply about the things bothering me. It would have been the perfect time for therapy and sobriety to get me back on track. But I would carry on like that for nine years after getting out.
Self-Study Questions: Isolation
Do you view the world with suspicion, paranoia, anger, or resentment? Why?
Why don’t you want to be around other people?
What reasons do you assume, feel, or think that people don’t want to be around you?
When was the last time you talked about your feelings, thoughts, or problems with someone?
How is the comfort of isolation ruining your life?
List some ways you will use to get out of isolation (addiction recovery, hobby, new job, volunteering, school, sports).