A big driver of my addictions centered in taking myself too damn seriously. I thought my opinions and perspectives were the law. It made me arrogant, judgemental, and close minded. If you disagreed with me, you were an idiot, of course.
My party days of laughter and joking were long gone after ten years of alcoholism. I was isolated, serious about world affairs, and on a dark path of regular substance abuse.
As my drinking and weed smoking progressed to every day, I began to dip in and out of psychosis over the years. I would study conspiracies and form a different belief system every few days.
My outlook of the world became very dark based on my seriousness. The things I believed were gravely important. Why couldn’t everybody see that?! Well, because they were only true in my deteriorating mind.
Lightening up again in Recovery
Let’s just say I was not full of laughter and joy when I crawled into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was trapped in the seriousness of my misery, paranoia, anxieties, and anger.
It took a few months of going to two meetings a day and working through my step work before I began seeing my sorry state objectively. My insanity was the driver of my seriousness and it was not real.
Realizing that I had an allergy of craving and a disorder of the mind allowed me to detach from my identity as a proud, drunken pothead. I saw myself as sick, not a crappy person. I stepped on a new path towards joy and relief from my desperate state.
The door to laughter began to reopen in my life. I began to laugh at my behavior in addiction, as do many in recovery. My new identity started to shift towards spiritual, helpful, and lighthearted.
Healing by Laughing at Myself
In the medical field we would make dark jokes, be sarcastic, and ridicule each other at work. The job and environment was often intensely stressful and depressing, so we used laughter to lighten the mood.
I am re-applying that tool to my life again as I progress in years of sobriety. I can look back at all my stupid conspiracies and resentments, talk about them, and laugh at how dumb and pointless they were.
I don’t have to be right about everything and correct people anymore. I accept that I am clueless on many things throughout the day. I keep my mind off what is none of my business. All of this clears my mind and calms me down.
When resentment or anger pops up, I am able to get outside of myself and see where I am being ridiculous. Now what are my lame assumptions that don’t make sense? Now how am I overreacting like a teenager? What idiots have I been listening to recently?
Looking back with laughter at my time trapped in addiction gives me the ability to forgive myself too. For veterans, self forgiveness is a huge hurdle. We are fuckin hard on ourselves! We were taught to be that way. It can keep driving our self abuse and escape into our substances.
So, get into recovery meetings if you aren’t already and learn to laugh at yourself again (as opposed to laughing at others). It can keep you away from hospitals or jails and dying a miserable death. Enlighten up a bit!
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