It’s an understatement to say I was not doing well after my first Iraq deployment. I felt like a completely different person when I got back. I couldn’t relate to anybody and had resentments against the whole world. I rented a place by myself and isolated while drinking when I wasn’t working.
I was empty, numb, and depressed after seeing so much death and aiding with severe combat wounds in our field hospital. I was constantly thinking about the families of the ones we couldn’t save.
Regular nightmares and racing thoughts allowed me only a couple hours of decent sleep per night. Sleep deprivation mixed with heavy drinking had me on a hellish downward spiral. I was hollowed out and frazzled nearly every day.
That first deployment was a negative turning point in my life. My fun, partytime drinking was over and done. I was now using alcohol for self medication. I drank to escape feelings, drank to forget, and drank to try to sleep better. Sometimes it would help, but over the months alcohol was losing its effectiveness. At the same time, my tolerance was growing back to where I was before my tour so my hangovers were another source of suffering.
We really didn’t have much to do at work, just bullshit training and counting supplies. I shuffled along the days halfway hungover, feeling like a zombie. I think our morning jogs kept me going even though I was quietly dry heaving and sweating out booze.
I don’t remember much about that time after my first deployment. Do the living dead have memories?
I had been skidding along for seven months when our company was asked for volunteers to deploy again. I reflexively put my hand up just to do something different.
I knew another deployment would take me away from drinking for a while. Even back then, more than a decade before I sobered up, I knew that I had a drinking problem. It was a deep down knowing.
I also wanted to save some more lives (and more money) before I got out. I think on one level I wanted to die an honorable death like Lieutenant Dan in Forrest Gump!
Whatever my subconscious reasons, I was back in Iraq in a few months. We convoyed around the country completing various types of missions. The time stretched forever, but I am grateful that our unit was not attacked by anything significant. I had mostly sick call type of work.
Of course, I started drinking immediately when I got back again. I remembered how interesting it was to have a low tolerance again. Blackouts came pretty frequently and I degenerated back to my old state again within a month. I really didn’t give a shit about anything or anyone. And just like that, I left the military a few months after getting back.
I had a good chunk of money saved and invested, so I knew I could be a professional drunk for a couple years. That was the only plan I had when I started my civilian life after eight years as a military drone.
I had zero idea that I was fully engulfed in depression and PTSD. It wasn’t something I even considered. I was just drinking and pushing through my daily misery. Of course, I got a weed card and hit the dispensaries.
Self-Study Questions: Why you Drink or Drug
List the justifications you use for drinking or using drugs.
List the situations where you most often drink or use drugs.
When do you most want to get drunk or high?
Is drinking or drugging still fun or a relief to you?
Write out some memories that make you drink or use. What feelings do they trigger?
List other feelings or thoughts that send you towards drinking or using drugs.
Detail some common situations which make you want to escape.