I didn’t realize how tough it would be to transition back into civilian life after eight years in the military. To be honest, 15 years later, I still don’t feel well adjusted! I am a lot better (not to mention alive) because of sobering up and joining AA six years ago, though.
When I first got out, I had a hatred for the military industrial complex. I felt shame for participating in a war of aggression. I felt I had been used up and thrown away as a cog in the war machine for profit and power. Every layer of my being was exhausted: body, mind, and spirit. I was desperate for the relief that alcohol and weed brought.
I enthusiastically chased the euphoria of my substances for ten years after getting out. The relief and positive feelings became shorter over time. My tolerance grew until most days I was trying to kill a hangover just to feel normal.
After a few months of traveling, I rented myself a small apartment near some bars that I could walk to. It was the perfect situation to isolate and sink deeper into my substance abuse, PTSD, and depression. That whole time, I didn’t think I had a problem. It was just how I lived.
I had money saved and invested from my deployments, so I didn’t make any plans, just vague notions of going to school for some kind of science.
Existing as a drunken pothead kept me stuck in a childish, yet militant state of mind, keeping me from growing, healing, or looking honestly at myself. Most of the people I knew had families and careers. But here I was still acting like a 21 year old idiot approaching my 30s.
By the way, did you know that pouring gallons of a depressant (alcohol) onto a depressed brain makes it ten times worse? What an epiphany that has been for me!
After being out for six months, I stumbled across a community that was making money through building websites. So I learned how to do that, which solidified my isolated lifestyle.
In the sections of this chapter, I will describe the biggest challenges I faced when I became a civilian. They are: isolation, having terrible sleep patterns, not having a plan, and losing my identity. I will end the chapter with a “do as I say, not as I did” type of section.
Self-Study Questions: Getting Out
What did you like or love about the military?
What do you miss about the military?
What did you hate about the military? Do you hold onto those resentments now?
What do you regret about your military service? Why?
Do you judge yourself or your actions while in the military? What are they and why?
Did you drift away from your personal beliefs and morals while in the military? If so, are you realigning with them now?
What do you enjoy or appreciate about civilian life?
What do you not like about civilian life?
What assumptions do you hold about civilians and the civilian world?
Do you feel like you don’t belong in the civilian world? Why not?
What are your goals for your civilian life? What are you doing towards those goals?